Act 39: Forgive and Seek Forgiveness

 When I put this act on the list, I was thinking it would be a "gimme," an easy filler between the more momentous events.  Turns out, I was completely wrong.  This act is, by far, the scariest and most difficult one yet.

I say "is" rather that "was", because I realize this act is ongoing.  It will never completely end.  While it's possible to seek forgiveness from those who are topmost on my mind,  I know that there will be more to come.  There are people who I have behaved badly toward that I have forgotten, many I will hurt in the future, and a few who I cannot seek out.  That's the thing about seeking and giving forgiveness.  It's less of an act and more of a process.

I chose the people to approach based on one criterion.  They were the folks who, when my mind lit upon them or the time I spent with them, it quickly jumped away, like when your tongue accidentally touches an aching tooth that you are trying to ignore. If I could hardly bear to think about it or if I would have trouble looking them in the eye when our paths would cross, I knew something needed to be done.

I'm thankful that this criterion generated a fairly short list.  As a rule, I try to own up to my mistakes and make things right with the people in my life when I can.   However, because of my past self deception, there are some things that I told myself weren't all that bad. Or worse, the things that seemed like the right thing at the time, but upon reflection were sooooooo wrong.   That's where I focused my energy.

I also had a hard time deciding whether is was better to apologize in person or in writing.  On one hand, face to face is the most sincere.  You can look the person in the eye, make your intentions clear, and ask to be forgiven.  Writing an apology at first felt a little cowardly - as if I were hiding behind the words on the page.  However, I decided to go that route for two reasons.

Number one: I am terrible when it comes to speaking extemporaneously about my feelings.  Someone close to me once pointed out that I can talk eloquently for days on pretty much anything, but you get me to try to express my feelings, and I become a stammering fool.  This was too important to bungle with my clumsiness.

Number two: it seemed more respectful.  In some cases it had been years since I had any contact with the person I was asking for forgiveness.  It seemed kind of insensitive to pop up out of the blue, drop a big emotional bomb on them, and demand forgiveness then and there.  I know if it were me, I would want time to think, process, and consider whether or not to respond.

That's the other thing I had to reconcile my feelings on: the response.  Just because you ask for forgiveness doesn't mean it will be given.  I had to make peace with that fact that I may face rejection, rebuke, or hostility.

I will not offer details of the individual experiences, because I don't want the fact that it was motivated by my list to undermine the intent of each act.  Asking forgiveness is not a stunt or a formality, and each time I did it, I felt the weight of my actions and the regret that followed.

I will say the first message was the hardest.  It took me two days of thought and deliberation to say what I wanted to say.  And once I had it ready to go, I almost changed my mind.  But my heart was telling me it was necessary, and so I did. Once that message was released into the world, I felt immeasurably more at peace.  It doesn't matter if I get a positive response, a negative one, or none at all.  I've asked for forgiveness, and now I can set about forgiving myself.

The forgiving of others was a little easier - at least on the surface.  The shame factor was a lot lower, at least.  What was hard was the surrendering on those wrongs.  There's something comforting about holding on to the wrongs that have been done to you.  They are both a shield to hide behind and a weapon to use to bludgeon.  When someone has wronged you, you have something on them.  They owe you a debt, and it's tempting to lord that over them and make them pay and pay and pay.    That kind of thinking can slowly eat away at you.  As is often said: holding on to bitterness is like eating rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

And so am doing my best to surrender those old grudges  to which I had clung.  I am trying to let go of the old resentments and the hurt and the bitterness.  Because - just like my inner Critical Review Board - I don't have time for that foolishness.  I just don't have room for that in my heart for that any more.  Holding those heavy bludgeons over people's heads wears me out too.  I would rather channel my energy into more positive pursuits.

So, I'm going to declare this act complete - for now.  I am certain that there are people out there who - if they were reading this - would be pissed that they haven't gotten their apology yet.  And it hurts my heart to think I've wronged someone deeply and not remembered it.   For that, I am sorry.  I ask you to lay down that shield and bludgeon.  I'm laying mine down too.