I feel like this list has an unspoken phrase at the end of each item. This has become the elephant in the room - maybe of my own imagining, but nonetheless. Every time I read an item on the list, I seem to mentally add the dreaded phrase....
Without a man.
As in:
1. Publicly admit that I am turning 40 without a man.
2. Publicly and openly blog about my experiences, challenges, triumphs and failures along the way without a man.
What gives with that? Is this my imagination? Why does it feel that THAT'S the biggest Act of Courage on the list?
This is the first time in my adult life that I've been completely on my own - with no husband, no boyfriend, no friend with benefits, nothing. It's just me. Why is that so terrifying?
I look at my single girlfriends, especially those who have been single for extended amounts of time, and I am in awe. I had no idea the kind of pressure that exists for a woman trying to make it on her own.
It's a daily job to remind myself that not having a romantic partner is NOT a disability and that not being in a relationship is NOT a sign of failure.
That's insanity, but it happens. Almost every day. Some days: multiple times.
I would NEVER put that kind of insanity on my friends. And I certainly can't imagine saying to The Girl one day, "Well honey, you are pretty great, but you would be SO MUCH BETTER if you had a man."
So why do I do it to myself?
And more importantly, what am I going to do about it?
Make no mistake - this is not a lamentation. It's an observation. And I suppose the answer to "What am I going to do about it?" is to feel it, acknowledge it, own it, and then IGNORE IT. Because while I find men to be completely lovely (some more than others ;-) ), I am complete without one.
And THAT'S the only elephant that's getting peanuts from me.
I separated from my husband 6 months ago. And I've felt so lost and disoriented, because somewhere along the way, I decided that no matter where in the world I was, I was home if I was with him. Now I have the rest of my life stretched out in front of me, a blank canvas white and clean, and rather than seeing a world of opportunity, I'm gripped with fear and anxiety. Now, admittedly, I've acquired a "friend with benefits" - he's great but he's not a sure thing in my future. He encourages me to set goals for myself in the context of NOT having a man in my life (see what a good and smart friend he is?), and I know he is right. When I try to set goals and make plans without another person as a catalyst for ideas, I come up blank. Maybe it's too soon to try and look so far into the future and at this stage I just need to take one day at a time. But I'm in a hurry for my new life to begin, one where I don't have someone saying "no" and making excuses as to why I can't do what I want - it used to be my husband that said those things, now, apparently, it's just me. Thanks for your blog.
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