Act 11: Track Everything I Eat, Spends and Consume

  This is a big week in the 40 Acts of Courage world.  I am three days in to living life at the US Poverty Level (#38), have selected my daunting classic work for #3 (Don Quixote, if you're wondering), and have scheduled my Astrological reading for #4.   I also have the martial arts classes all lined up for #18, have a date to cook at the Ronald McDonald house (#35), wrote a first draft for a piece for publication (#25), and have a date to go camping (#13).  Things. are.  happening!


In preparation of my week of living close to the bone, I spent last week tracking everything I ate and spent.  That was eye opening.  The first thing I learned is that I do both without really being fully aware of it.  I know mindfulness is kind of a buzz-word right now, but I think we have a desperate need for it.  I was amazed at how much I consume without thinking.  But the real revelation had nothing to do with being a consumer.

Since the first of the year, I've been weighing myself every day.  I felt like my weight had been fluctuating quite a bit lately, and I wanted to see if there was any pattern to it.  So every morning, around the same time every day, I would step on the scales.  I would then write down the number on a little calendar in my bathroom.  I did this every day for 10 days, without fail.  Those 10 days happened to coincide with an increase in exercise, as well as a nice dose of The Heartbreak Diet, so every day, the number was smaller and smaller.  On the 11th day, the number went up.  I'm not going to write this one down, I told myself.  It's a fluke.  The next day, the number was around the same place.  I didn't write that one down either.  On the third day, when I looked at the blank days record I had been keeping, I stopped to think about it.  Why did I not write down the higher number?  It's just data.

I noticed the same phenomenon with my food diary.  On the days when I was "being good" - that is, eating only at mealtimes, staying within my recommended calorie range, and exercising - I was eager to record what I had consumed.  The day when I polished off almost an entire sleeve of Thin Mints by myself?  I was less eager to record that.

Why?

Not writing down the number on the scale or not recording the Thin Mints didn't change the reality of them.  But, I guess for me it kind of did.  See, if I didn't acknowledge it, then it didn't happen.  I didn't have to face the guilt and judgement for falling short on the lofty expectations I had set for myself.  But that didn't make them any less true.

My whole life, I have ALWAYS failed at keeping a food diary - despite being a very structured, detail-oriented, Type-A person.  One would think I would thrive on the precision of it, but no - every time I've tried it, it's been a failure.  And looking back over the patterns, I see that the process broke down when I stopped being perfect.  When I made mistakes, then I just stopped keeping track.

I was lying to myself by not acknowledging the facts, and that self-deception led me to even bigger problems.  Because when you're trying to hide the truth from yourself, you end up glossing over a whole whole whole lot of important, but uncomfortable stuff in the pursuit of only the pleasing things.  And you send a very clear and very powerful message to yourself that some parts of your simply are not acceptable.  That is some messed up stuff right there.

So last week, I decided to push through and record even when the things I had to write down were less than pleasant.  (FYI - a sleeve of Thin Mints?  640 calories.  Oy.)  Here's what happened - it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.  Most days, I stayed under or right at my calorie target.  The one not-so-great day, I went about 400 calories over.  But that was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.  And because I saw that it wasn't that bad, it made me more motivated to keep my positive momentum going.  Double bonus!

As for the number of the scale, I've decided that that's going to be just a data point for me.  Being a woman of a certain age (ahem.), my weight fluctuates within the month.  Now that I know that, I can be aware of a small uptick, but not lose my marbles.  And again, that helps me to be aware and also stay motivated to keep the momentum going.

It's not easy to look at yourself and realize that deception has played a big role in your life.  It's especially difficult to realize that those deceptions were quite damaging.  How much heartache could I have avoided, if only I had been willing (and able) to take a cold hard look at the way things were - rather than relying on my brain to fill in the blanks?

Still, I suppose that's the point of this whole crazy exercise: to identify things that weren't working in my life and to replace them with things that do.

Self honesty ain't easy.  It sure ain't pretty.  But man, it really makes a difference.  Now, if I can just get that Thin Mint addiction under control, I will be in good shape.