Act 9: Make a Pie from Scratch

I love to cook and bake.  (I can't grill to save my life, but that's another story.)  There's not much I won't try in the kitchen, but I had always avoided making pie crust.  This is partially because I've heard horror stories about how difficult getting pastry crust dough can be and partially due to the fact that there are so many easily available pre-made options.  Still, since my 40 Acts of Courage are about challenging myself and getting out of my comfort zone, I put baking a pie on my list.

Originally, I tasked myself with making a lemon meringue pie, but I changed my mind.  First of all, I've made one of those already with my friend Pete when we were in high school.  Secondly, I don't really like meringues.  Finally, my mom let it slip recently that her favorite pie was coconut cream, and her birthday was coming up.  Soooo... I decided to make a coconut cream pie - crust and all - from scratch.  What better way to tackle this act that to show my mom how much I love her?

Pie Crust

3 c. all purpose flour

1 tsp. salt

1 1/4 c. Butter flavor shortening

1 egg, beaten

1 Tbsp. white vinegar

4 Tbsp. water

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2. In a large bowl, mix flour and salt.  Cut in shortening until it is in pea-sized chunks.
3. In a separate bowl, mix egg, vinegar, and water.  Drizzle wet mixture into the dry, cutting it in until is just barely forms a ball.  Chill dough.  (I forgot to do this!!)
4. Roll out dough between two pieces of waxed paper.  (My friend Heidi suggests using the inside of an empty potato chip bag.  I think she's crazy.)  Fit crust into two 9 inch pie pans.
   
5. Bake for about 12 minutes.  If I had some beans or a pie weight, I would have used it, because my crust bubbled up a bit while it was baking.

After the crust was done, I moved on to the filling.  This was a bit dicey there for a minute, but I went with the flow, and it turned out just yummy.

Coconut Cream Pie Filling

1 c. sweetened coconut

1 1/2 c. coconut milk 

1/2 c. half and half 

2 eggs, beaten

3/4 c. white sugar

1/3 c. corn starch

1/4 tsp. salt

1 tsp. vanilla

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees.  Toast coconut 5 minutes, until golden.
2. Make a slurry by dissolving the corn starch in a bit of the half and half.
3. In medium sauce pan, combine coconut milk, cream, eggs, sugar, corn starch, and salt.  Mix well.  Bring to a boil over medium-low heat, stirring constantly.  This step was a disaster!  Somehow, I ended up not beating the eggs enough.  They settled in the bottom of the pan and cooked.  I had lumpy eggs in my custard.  Yuck.  I kept my cool, and thought fast.  After straining out the eggy bits, I tempered two new eggs by adding a bit of the warm custard to them and then got right back to business.
4. Remove custard from heat and stir in 3/4 of coconut and vanilla.  Pour filling into pie shell and chill until firm, about 4 hours.
5. Top with whipped cream and remaining toasted coconut.

Whipped Cream

1 carton whipping cream

2 Tbsp. powdered sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

1. Chill whisk attachment and mixer bowl in refrigerator for a few hours.
2. Combine ingredients in chilled mixer bowl and beat on high until soft peaks form.

Since I was making this for my momsy, I used my fancy decorator to make it look pretty.

Since I had an extra pie shell and a ton of whipped cream, I went ahead and made a lemon cream pie as well.  I am happy to report that both were DELICIOUS!

And most importantly, it made my mom happy.  Everything is better when it's made with love.

Grammy gets some help from The Boy and The Girl
to blow out the traditional Darth Vader Candle, a
Chez Kaye birthday tradition since 2008.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Dark Day

 I sat down to write the post for Act 9.  This weekend, I made a pie to celebrate my wonderful mother's 61st birthday.  But I can't seem to write about that today, because I'm feeling weighed down.

The day after the joy and celebration my mom's birthday brings a dark and sad remembrance.  On February 23, 1979, my father Ronnie Faircloth lost his battle with testicular cancer.  He died when I was only 3 years old, so I basically grew up not knowing my dad.  His absence was just a fact of my life.  Rhonda has blue eyes, curly hair, and no dad.  The only thought I gave to it at the time was how much attention it got me when I was in school.  In fact, I think I just assumed it didn't phase me all that much because I was so young.

Until I had children of my own.

I remember the year The Boy turned 3.  I recall when he hit the age I was when Daddy died.  It became VERY clear to me that if either his father or I were to vanish from his life, he would be impacted.  That realization brought me up short, and got me to thinking about how it must have affected me.

At first it was confusing.  I couldn't articulate how losing my father impacted me at the time, because I was so out of touch with my feelings. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I learned early to gloss over the unpleasant feelings in favor of being industrious and productive.  I kept moving, so there was no time or energy to waste on dealing with those negative thoughts or feelings.  All I knew is that if I probed - even a little bit - there was a sharp pain and usually tears.  Just like the joke about the guy who says to his doctor, "Doc, it hurts when I raise my arm."  The Doctor replies, "So don't raise your arm!"  Thinking about my dad hurt, so I left it alone.

Over the years, I did notice some patterns creeping in.  February 23 was almost always a horrible day in my classroom.  My wrath would be easily incurred.  My usual patience would be noticeably absent.  But, I would tell myself That's normal!  It's the dead of winter, in the long days between Christmas and Spring Break.  It makes sense to be frustrated and weary.  I also noticed patterns in my relationships with men.  There's a reason why people joke about girls with "Daddy Issues" being easy prey.  I was no exception. And while it's quite obvious now what was going on, at the time,  those things seemed completely unrelated to me.

Even when I started to probe, I found myself asking the question How do you mourn for someone you didn't even know?  See, my Dad was a mystery to me.  Sure, I had a few stories here and there that my Grandma or Uncles would share.  I knew the story of when he was a kid and set the kitchen curtains on fire with the toaster, the time as a teenager when he got chased by a bull in somebody's field, the time he took the school bus he drove for a joy ride.  But I didn't know much about the man he was.  Granted, he was barely a man when he died at age 26,  but I wanted to know what kind of a husband and father he was, and that information just wasn't readily available.  I assumed that asking my mom to tell me about my dad would be painful for her, and since I was in the business of stopping my mom from feeling pain, I didn't feel I had the right to ask.

So I didn't.

For years and years, I just glossed over the pain.  My grief became an anchor - weighing me down and holding me in place.  It's true, I got used to the weight.  It became an accepted fact of life, and it never occurred to me that it might be possible not to carry it.  Now that I am in treatment for my codependency, I had to dive head first into that ocean.  I had to probe deeply to stir up all those feelings:  the bottomless sense of loss, the illogical feeling of abandonment - as if he had the choice to leave me, the frustration at the unfairness of having to live without my dad, and yes - the anger at those who knew him but didn't tell me every last thing there was to know about him.  All those feelings have been rising up like a tsunami of feeling - put off for 36 years - but demanding to be felt now.  And if I let this anchor of grief keep me in place, I am going to drown.

So today, I'm trying something new.  I am acknowledging all of these dark and awful feelings.  I'm swimming into the wave, moving with it instead of remaining fixed while it crashes over my head.  I'm trying to let go of the anchor that has held me in place.  And maybe, just maybe, when the storm has passed, I might be able to swim away with the memories of the grief, rather than carrying the weight anymore.

So I'm not going to pretend like today is a great day.  But I do have faith that tomorrow will be.

  

My Life, In List Form

This week has been quite a doozy in NC. Frigid temperatures, snow and ice, and lots of cancelled school. The nice thing about these days is it gives me time to hunker down with The Boy and The Girl and enjoy some down time. The not-so-nice thing is that is messes with my planning. However, these days, I'm practicing a go-with-the-flow attitude, so I decided to use the time to do some reading, journaling, and thinking. And boy, have I had a LOT to think about.


A few postings ago, I wrote about my coming to the conclusion that I am codependent. (You can read the post here.) I've been doing some reading of the work of Melody Beattie (namely Codependent No More, The New Codependency, and The Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps). In my reading I came across a list of characteristics of codependent people. There were a few things on the list that were not really applicable to me, and a few that were maybe a little, but not much. Some of them were Boy oh Boy.


I thought the list was helpful for me. Maybe it will be for someone else too.

Characteristics of Codependent People

by Melody Beattie   (Emphasis added by me!)

• Caretaking: Codependents may:
• think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
• feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
• feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• feel angry when their help isn't effective.
• anticipate other people's needs.
• wonder why others don't do the same for them.
• find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
• not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
• try to please others instead of themselves.
• find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
• feel safest when giving.
• feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
• feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
• find themselves attracted to needy people.
• find needy people attracted to them.
• feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
• abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
• overcommit themselves.
• feel harried and pressured.
• believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
• blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
• say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
• believe other people are making them crazy.
• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
• find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.

• Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to:
• come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
• deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.
• blame themselves for everything.
• pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel , look, act, and behave.
• get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents something codependents regularly do to themselves.
• reject compliments or praise.
• get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
• feel different than the rest of the world.
• think they're not quite good enough.
• feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
• feel rejection.
• take things personally.
• may have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
• feel like victims.
• tell themselves they can't do anything right.
• be afraid of making mistakes.
• wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
• expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
• wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction.
• have a lot of "shoulds."
• feel a lot of guilt.
• feel ashamed of who they are.
• think their lives aren't worth living.
• try to help other people live their lives instead.
• get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
• get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people's failures and problems.
• wish good things would happen to them.
• believe good things never will happen.
• wish other people would like and love them.
• believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
• try to prove they're good enough for other people.
• settle for being needed.

• Repression: Many codependents:
• push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
• become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
• appear rigid and controlled.

• Obsession: Codependents tend to:
• feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
• worry about the silliest things.
• think and talk a lot about other people.
• lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
• worry.
• never find answers.
• check on people.
• try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
• feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
• abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
• focus all their energy on other people and problems.
• wonder why they never have any energy.
• wonder why they can't get things done.

• Controlling: Many codependents:
• have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
• become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
• don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
• think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
• try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
• eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
• get frustrated and angry.
• feel controlled by events and people.

• Denial: Codependents tend to:
• ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
• pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
• tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
• stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
• get confused.
• get depressed or sick.
• go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
• became workaholics.
• spend money compulsively.
• overeat.
• pretend those things aren't happening, either.
• watch problems get worse.
• believe lies.
• lie to themselves.
• wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.

• Dependency: Many codependents:
• don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• look for happiness outside themselves.
• latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
• feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
• didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
• don't love themselves.
• believe other people can't or don't love them.
• desperately seek love and approval.
• often seek love from people incapable of loving.
• believe other people are never there for them.
• equate love with pain.
• feel they need people more than they want them.
• try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
• don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
• worry whether other people love or like them.
• don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
• center their lives around other people.
• look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• lose interest in their own lives when they love.
• worry other people will leave them.
• don't believe they can take care of themselves.
• stay in relationships that don't work.
• tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
• feel trapped in relationships.
• leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
• wonder if they will ever find love.

• Poor Communication: Codependents frequently:
• blame
• threaten.
• coerce.
• beg.
• bribe.
• advise.
• don't say what they mean.
• don't mean what they say.
• don't know what they mean.
• don't take themselves seriously.
• think other people don't take them seriously.
• take themselves too seriously.
• ask for what they want and need indirectly--sighing, for example
• find it difficult to get to the point.
• aren't sure what the point is.
• gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
• try to say what they think will please people.
• try to say what they think will provoke people.
• try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.
• eliminate the word "no" from their vocabulary
• talk too much.
• talk about other people.
• avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
• say everything is their fault.
• say nothing is their fault.
• believe their opinions don't matter.
• wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
• lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
• lie to protect themselves.
• have a difficult time asserting their rights.
• have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
• think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
• begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
• apologize for bothering people.

• Weak Boundaries: Codependents frequently:
• say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
• gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
• let others hurt them.
• keep letting people hurt them.
• wonder why they hurt so badly.
• complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
• finally get angry.
• become totally intolerant.

• Lack Of Trust: Codependents:
• don't trust themselves.
• don't trust their feelings.
• don't trust their decisions.
• don't trust other people.
• try to trust untrustworthy people.
• think God has abandoned them.
• lose faith and trust in God.

• Anger: Many codependents:
• feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
• live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
• are afraid of their own anger.
• are frightened of other people's anger.
• think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
• think other people make them feel angry.
• are afraid to make other people feel anger.
• feel controlled by other people's anger.
• repress their angry feelings.
• cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
• punish other people for making the codependents angry.
• have been shamed for feeling angry.
• place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
• feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
• feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
• wonder if they'll ever not be angry.

• Sex Problems: Some codependents:
• are caretakers in the bedroom.
• have sex when they don't want to.
• have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
• try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
• refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
• are afraid of losing control.
• have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
• withdraw emotionally from their partner.
• feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
• don't talk about it.
• force themselves to have sex, anyway.
• reduce sex to a technical act.
• wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
• lose interest in sex.
• make up reasons to abstain.
• wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
• have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
• consider or have an extramarital affair.

• Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to:
• be extremely responsible.
• be extremely irresponsible.
• become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
• find it difficult to feel close to people.
• find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
• have an overall passive response to codependency--crying, hurt, helplessness.
• have and overall aggressive response to codependency--violence, anger, dominance.
• combine passive and aggressive responses.
• vacillate in decisions and emotions.
• laugh when they feel like crying.
• stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
• be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
• be confused about the nature of the problem.
• cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
• not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
• wonder why the problem doesn't go away.

• Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
  • feel lethargic.
  • feel depressed.
  • become withdrawn and isolated.
  • experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
  • abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
  • feel hopeless.
  • begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
  • think about suicide.
  • become violent.
  • become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
  • experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
  • become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

Note from M.B. The preceding checklist is long but not all-inclusive. Like other people, codependents do, feel, and think many things. There are not a certain number of traits that guarantees whether a person is or isn't codependent. Each person is different; each person has his or her way of doing things. I'm just trying to paint a picture. The interpretation, or decision, is up to you. What's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.

When I got through that list, all I could do was sit for quite some time. It's not easy to see all your bad habits laid out in black and white. I guess I take consolation in knowing that I'm not crazy. I'm not hopeless. And I'm not alone.


So I sit and ponder, but, I can't sit too long... I have some work that needs to be done.

Act 19: Celebrate a Holiday All By Myself

The beginning of the year provides a powerful one-two punch for single people.  First, there is New Year's Eve.  It's the holiday that focuses more on friends than family - and we are led to believe that everyone is attending swanky and awesome parties to celebrate the beginning of the next year of our lives.  This night is meant to stand for something.  New Year's Eve is supposed to set the tone for the coming year.  And there's the whole business of the kiss at midnight.  All well and good when you're settled into a lovely relationship, but fraught with peril if you are not.

Then, barely a month later, there is Valentine's Day - the holiday that is meant to celebrate love.  If you're not settled, that too can be a nightmare.  And so it was that I found myself on both these holidays all by my lonesome.  In the past, I would have frantically put together some sort of gathering of my friends, just to keep from being alone.  But not this year.  This year, I was set on experiencing both these holidays on my own.

New Year's Eve I kept it very low key.  I spent the day catching up with an old, dear friend and her family.  It was a lovely way to kick off the new year and did much to recharge my emotional batteries.  That night, though I was invited to a party, I opted to stay in.  I took a bubble bath, did some writing, and then stayed up to watch the ball drop.  I toyed with the idea of just going to bed early, but that seemed like cheating.  I needed to do this.  And so I stayed up through all the excruciating New Year's Rockin' Eve hoopla.  Midnight came.  2015 dawned.  I took it in, and then went to bed.

A little more than a month later, I found myself with Valentine's Day approaching.  I decided that I would face this holiday - the quintessential couple's holiday - head on and publicly.  I was going to go on a date for Valentine's Day.  With myself.  So, with a bit of trepidation, I began to plan my date.

 I decided to do the typical American date night: fancy, overpriced dinner and a movie.  I perused the movie listings.  There were lots of Oscar nominated films and of course, the big movie everyone was talking about: Fifty Shades of Grey.  Now I am not to admit that I read the 50 Shades series.  I'm also not afraid to admit that I COMPLETELY HATED IT.  It was supposed to be all sexy and racy, but I found it to be just... boring and poorly written.  It was the sex book equivalent of a bad sitcom with a canned laugh track.  Needless to say, I'd rather gouge my eyes out than pay money to see it on the big screen.  As I continued to search, I came across Wild, starring Reese Witherspoon and based on the book by Cheryl Strayed.  I vaguely knew the premise: woman messes up life, goes on walk to figure stuff out, figures stuff out and lives happily ever after.  Seemed like a good girl-power film.  That would do nicely.

My favorite flowers!
  How did you guess?

I found a theater nearby that was still screening Wild, and began to plan my evening around the movie.  There were plenty of nice restaurants in the shopping center surrounding the theater, but I chose to have dinner at Firebirds, because it was just fancy and overpriced enough to be the go-to for a "very romantic evening."  That, and it was literally right across from the theater.  With my plans all made, I got ready for my date.

Everyone knows on Valentine's Day, you have to do the whole flowers and chocolates thing.  My date chose a lovely arrangement of dark pink roses and daisies.  Fragrant, beautiful and a little bit whimsical - just the way I like it.  What a great date I was turning out to be!

All ready for a night on the town!

Since I knew I would be walking around the shopping center, I skipped the dress and opted for very sensible pants.  However, since I wanted look my best for my date, I was sure to dress up the outfit with some festive Valentine's Day touches. After taking a few photos (thanks Diane!), we were off.

As soon  as I arrived at the shopping center, it was clear that  I was not the only person with the idea of getting an early start.  After parking the car, I made my way to the restaurant where I learned Valentine's Day lesson #1: Even if you're a singleton, without a reservation, you are not going to get a table in a fancy restaurant. Or a seat at the bar.  Or have anywhere to stand inside, out of the cold.  In the past, I probably would have gotten a little huffy with my date for not thinking ahead and making a reservation.  However, since part of the exercise was to practice the "go with it" philosophy, it didn't seem necessary.  Instead, I shifted my plan a bit.  I needed to pick up a few things at Target, and Target was right across the parking lot, so my date and I decided to go with Plan B: shopping, then movie, then dinner.

For reasons I didn't want to explore with my date, I felt a little sad wandering around this particular Target.  I started to feel myself want to withdraw and sulk.  My date was patient and understanding, and that patience felt so good to me.  I didn't have to explain or analyze what was going on; I just felt what I was feeling until I was done feeling it.  Then, as the feelings faded, I could refocus on the purpose of the evening: fun!

After our shopping excursion, we decided to head over to the theater.  The show started at 6:40, and it was almost 6:15.  I like to get in and get settled, so my date obliged.  Once I got settled in my seat, (at the bottom of the stadium seats and center, right at the bars so I could put my feet up without disturbing anyone, inn case you were wondering) I started observing the people coming in.  Now, keep in  mind, the show I was seeing was near the end of it's run, (Down to two showings a day at only one theater in the Triangle) so attendance was sparse.  However, even in the theater lobby I observed Valentine's Day Lesson #2: Every other "party" I saw, pretty much everywhere I went were couples. Not necessarily romantic couples, but there seems to be an unwritten rule that if you're single you stay home on this day.  (The one exception to this rule were the guys, all dressed up, frantically scanning the shelves of Target searching for the perfect card for the significant other that they were on their way to meet.)  I was the only person I  saw who was alone.  (This fact either makes me feel incredibly bad-ass and brave, or really pathetic - depending on the moment.  Right now: bad-ass!)

The movie was a perfect choice for me.  It was exactly what I needed for this particular juncture in my life, and I highly recommend it.  Reese Witherspoon completely disappeared into the role - so much so, that I kept forgetting I was watching an actor.  I believed she was this person.  Very cool.  The crux of film is that every event in our life's journey - every step, every misstep, every mistake, every disaster - teaches us.  Every experience is an opportunity to learn.  It was a powerful message about forgiveness, redemption, and growth.  It was just... perfect.  I walked out of the theater reeling a bit, but in the best possible way.

After the movie, I decided to give Firebirds another try.  As I walked in, I heard the words "Still another hour wait."  Undeterred, I walked in like I owned the place, found a recently vacated table in the bar area, and sat down.  

Eventually, a server came by to turn over the table.  "Would you like to order a drink while you wait for your companion?"  

"Nope.  It's just me.  May I see a menu?"

He blinked at me, just a moment, and then smiled weakly.  "Oh.  Ok."

I don't know if the shock was too much for him or what, but a few moments later, a different server stopped at the table.  "I'm going to be taking care of you tonight.  Would you like to order an appetizer while you wait for your companion?"

"No, appetizer, thanks.  And it's just me, so I'm ready to order."

He blinked at me too.  To his credit, he didn't seem quite as stunned as the last guy.  "Ok.  Let's get that order."

I ordered a glass of wine and a big juicy steak.  Then, I settled in to watch the world.  

Part of my requirements of this challenge was to go out to dinner without any of my dining alone armor.  No book to read.  No notebook to scribble in.  No phone to get lost in.  Just me.

As I settled in, a party of four sat down at the table in the banquette next to me.  Since they were a party of four squeezed around a table for two, it was a bit cozy.  I made sure my coat wasn't impinging on the airspace between the two tables, but otherwise I stood my ground.  One of the gentlemen asked if I was using the chair across from  me.  I gestured toward the chair in the most helpful, most non-pathetic way.  "No,  I'm not.  Go right ahead."   

Stripped of my chair, it was completely, totally, indubitably clear that I was A-L-O-N-E.  For a moment, the horrified thought crossed my mind.  Here I was in this place, on this night.  What if I couldn't contain my loneliness and despair?  What if I just burst into tears?  I took a momentary personal inventory.  Yes, I had been to this very restaurant in happier days, and yes, I was a bit wistful for it, but I wasn't anywhere near weeping.  No worries there.  I found myself feeling restless, but I think it was more from not having a distraction than it was feeling alone.

It took me a while to figure out where to look.  There were TVs on in the bar (TVs?  Really?), but other than that, all I could do was people watch.  There were lots of people to watch, so I just started observing.  The first thing I noticed. was that there were no odd numbered groups.  Everyone was paired, or squared off.  The other thing I noticed as I glanced around the room was was that no one looked particularly happy.  This intrigued me, so I started looking more carefully.  I saw people engaged in  conversation, standing around waiting for tables, eating, drinking, starting at the basketball game on the TV, but no one looked happy.  This led me to Valentine's Day Lesson #3: Most people seem to do the whole "Valentine's Day Experience" out of obligation, not out of joy.

I mulled this over for a bit while I ate my $25 steak.  I reflected on the Valentine's Days of my past.  Some of them were good, some of them not-so-good, one or two were just awful.  But none of them were celebrated for the joy of being with someone.  None of them were the organic culmination of overwhelming love.  Almost all of them were of the Well, it's February 14, and all our friends will be doing something cool, so I guess we should too variety. And almost all of them were - in one way or another - a disappointment. It made me wonder if anyone really LIKES the holiday?  Or have we all just fallen into the Hallmark-induced stupor that compels us to do an buy stuff for the sake of doing and buying it?  

While I was thinking about this, the gentleman on the banquette next to me leaned over to address me.

"He made you come out here all by yourself, honey?"

I paused for a moment to consider.  Then  I smiled.  "Nobody made me do anything.  I'm here because I want to be."  And I was.

It was the best, least disappointing Valentine's Day ever.

Act 34: Turn off My iPhone

I carry my phone with me all the time.  I love having the world in my pocket - especially when I have some random question that pops into my mind.  I can type in a few well-chosen words and BAM! The answer is right at my fingertips.

This is great.  Except that I use my cell phone.  A lot.
I had no idea how much until I heard about the app Moment.  Moment basically runs in the background of your phone and monitors how many times you pick up your phone and how long you use it.  I installed the app and used my phone regularly.

Turns out, I may be an addict.  In the two weeks of monitoring, I picked up my phone an average of 37 times a day.  I was on my phone for an average of 347 minutes.  A day.  347 minutes.  That is 5 hours and 47 minutes.  Granted, some of that time was using my phone as a GPS.  (If you don't know the app Waze, you need to!)  But even accounting for that, I spend 5 of my waking hours each day on my phone.
To help me reduce my iPhone dependency, I decided to take part in the Bored and Brilliant challenge, sponsored by the NPR show New Tech City.  It consisted of a week's worth of challenges designed to encourage participants to unplug and unleash their creativity.  I was game.


Day 1 Challenge - 
Today's challenge was to keep my phone in my pocket or purse as I move throughout the day.  So, instead of leaving my phone out on my desk and checking it obsessively, I tucked it into my purse for most of the day.  It wasn't hard or disruptive to not have it out.  I was at my desk, on my computer - so I was still connected to the world, but I didn't have the phone.  In the evening, when I was home with The Boy and The Girl, I found that I was tempted to check in on Facebook, but I was resolute.  I left the phone charging upstairs.

Day 2 Challenge -
This challenge was to not take any photos all day.  The premise is that by relying on the cameras on our phones to remember details, we actually do not experience or internalize the things we see.  (There were studies involving art...  Listen to the podcast if you're interested.)   The idea was to just soak up things around you.  So I did.

 I am not a compulsive picture taker, so this wasn't too challenging for me, so I decided to extend the Day 1 habit of leaving my phone in my purse. When I was out walking at lunch, I actually didn't take my phone at all.  I felt so vulnerable and exposed!  What if something happened to me? What if someone snatched me up off the street?  How would I call 911?  How would they track me?  All these thoughts were racing through my head as I wandered the streets of downtown Durham with no music blaring in my ears.  That was a different experience.  I could hear the ambient noises of the world around me.  A bus went rumbling by.  Construction workers were knocking down some structures.  People were having cell phone conversations all around me.  (Rude!)

Interestingly, this was about the time that I started to feel a little self-righteous about "those people's" slavery to their phones.  Granted, I always judge when people are on their phones when they go through the line at Target.  Why can't get off their phone for the 30 seconds it takes to interact with the human being at the cash register?!  But because I was giving my phone a rest, I felt an extra little bit superior.

Day 3 Challenge - 
Day 3 made us Delete that App.  You know, the one that you open and check obsessively?  Or that game that you can't seem to put down?  That what this challenge was.  Most of the participants talked about deleting Twitter or Facebook.  Honestly, by this point in the week, I was starting to lose interest in the "tasks."  For me - the Day 1 habit of just leaving my phone in my purse was helping.

Day 4 Challenge - 
This challenge suggested that we all take a Fauxcation.  That is, disable all notifications, put an "away" message on, and take a few hours away from the phone.  In an effort to manage my time better, I had already set aside time in my day when I will give email my attention, so the technological bleed over-  at least during the work day - was already minimized.  For reasons unrelated to this week's challenge, I spent a fair bit of time staring down my phone as part of a forced communication hiatus. And all I had to do to take my evening fauxcation was tell the only two people who ever text me these days - Heidi and Meldy - that I was going silent.

Day 5 Challenge -
The last challenge that I did was to notice one small detail that you might miss when your nose is glued to your phone.  So, at lunch time, I decided to walk over to my meeting and see what I could see.  Turns out, downtown Durham is FULL of cool little details!  It's a resurgent city, so there's lots of construction going on.  This means lots of sidewalk detours and construction noise, but it also means lots of little nooks and crannies that weren't visible before are exposed.  The two major details I picked up on were hiding in plain sight.

This air conditioner screen has cute little
cardinals perched all over it!

One of the old tobacco warehouses was
dedicated to all the smokers out there.

The week didn't feel all that different than any other, honestly.  I did manage to reduce the number of times I laid hands on my phone during the work day and beyond.

What happened on Saturday and Sunday?!  

I guess that was the real work of the week for me was to come to terms with what a buzzing phone does and does not mean.  The focus of the challenge was to target people who have trouble with idle time. That's me to an extent, but I've discovered that I use my phone a little differently. To me, my phone is a defensive weapon - a symbol,  When I am in an awkward or uncomfortable situation, I can pull out my phones and escape it.  If I'm in a social situation where I don't know anyone, or no one's talking to me, playing on my phone sends the message Well, you may not want to interact with me, but there is someone out there who does.  Having a phone means, if I don't want to, I don't ever have to be really alone.  That's a lovely, but also scary prospect.  Sometimes I NEED to be alone with my thoughts.    I don't particularly like that though. Sometimes my thoughts are uncomfortable, dark, or just bleak, and I had developed a pretty sophisticated avoidance system to keep from having to deal with them.  My phone was an integral part of that plan.  Still, part of getting better and being better is facing all this foolishness.  So there it is.


Interesting footnote:  It's been a week since I completed this challenge, and I find that I'm leaving my phone behind less.  For example, I went for a walk on Tuesday evening, as I turned out onto the sidewalk, I saw the most beautiful sunset! The sky was a little overcast, so the setting sun was illuminating the bottom of the clouds dramatically with orange, pink and purple.  It took my breath away.  I reached into my pocket to take a photo of it, but realized I had left it behind.  I can't share it with you, so you'll have to take my word for it.  It was glorious!  And I remember every detail.

Prison Break!

As part of my recent attitude adjustment, I have been listening to a ton of Girl Power songs.  (I've also been listening to a ton of sappy 70's love songs, but that's none of your business, so leave me alone about it.)  Katy Perry, the Wicked Soundtrack, Alicia Keys, P!nk, Florence + the Machine - all have been on heavy rotation.

This morning was no exception.  I was jamming to "Roar" first...

You held me down, but I got up 

Already brushing off the dust.

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough

I see it all, I see it now...

and then "Defying Gravity"...

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down:

I love the imagery in these songs.  Women - locked up in chains and held down by circumstances kicking the door open, letting the light in and freeing themselves.  Flying free.  Getting out into the sun and Roaring.  So inspiring!  All these great songs about overcoming obstacles, haters and harsh conditions just make me feel so good.

Except for one little problem:  I can't relate.

 Let me explain.  Usually when I'm singing a song, I project my own personal story into it.  If I'm listening to a song about a beautiful child, I picture my own kids.  If I'm singing about love or loss, I usually have someone's face in my mind.    But when I'm singing, "You held me down, but I got up" and  "You can't bring me down,"  I couldn't for the life of me picture an oppressor.  

On the whole, I've had a pretty charmed life.  I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by caring and loving friends, family, and partners.  I've had supportive mentors and colleagues.  There has never been anyone in my life who discouraged me from doing or being anything I wanted to be. (Well, once, but that lady was an idiot, so she doesn't count.)  So who was bringing me down?

I started thinking about it...  wracking my brain.  Who is my antagonist?  Who held me down in the dark?  Who was it?  

And there was the answer: It was me.

I was the person holding me down.  Well, to be accurate: my inner Critical Review Board.  My fears.  My paralyzing need for approval.  My codependency.  My lack of confidence.  All of those things were the locks that kept me imprisoned.  I haven't had to struggle against an outside force.  The enemy has been within.  If anything, the people who could have been considered antagonists along the way were probably yelling at me in frustration:  You have wings, Rhonda.  Why aren't you flying?!

I let that sink in for a minute.  If I'm being held down by me, can't I just...not?  There's nothing inherently wrong with me.  I'm not shackled by addictive behaviors (Thank you, God, for that.).  I'm not a slave to any one or any thing.  So... what's stopping me?

So I decided to break out of jail.  That's the really cool thing about figuring out that you're the jailer: at any time, you can just... open the doors and walk out.  

That's not to say that I might not retreat into the security of my cell when I'm scared or threatened.  But I don't have to stay there.  So I am busting out!  No more prison for me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go for a little walk in the sun.  

Boundaries

Dear Friend,
If you had a superpower, I really think it would be insight.  You see things in a way that I can only describe as prophetic.  I admire that gift and wish I had it.  My gift seems to center on hindsight. While I tend to miss things as they are happening, I do have the very helpful ability to reflect, see patterns, and learn from them - eventually.  That hindsight is the reason for this letter.


I see now that in our relationship, I have done a terrible job of setting boundaries.  This was partly because I didn't know so much about them and didn't understand their importance, and partly because I was worried that setting boundaries would make you not like me.

Things are different now.  I have learned a tremendous amount about boundaries and their necessity, and I have established some.  Rather than delineate them here, I prefer to let them unfold as needed.  As you know, I've never been a fan of the thou shalt nots and part of the habit of behavior I'm trying to change is the need to control for every possible outcome.  The most important thing you need to know is that some things I tolerated in the past are no longer acceptable.  And some patterns that we established, I am no longer willing to continue.  When the moments inevitably arise, I can inform you that you've hit a boundary, but I think it will be pretty obvious.  However, if you are ever unclear or unsure, please ask.  I trust us to figure it out.

In the past, I fell into the habit of caretaking.  I gave help whether I was asked for it or not, and whether it was needed or not.  I see now that this behavior can be taken to the extreme, and when it is, it hurts both you and me.  And I don't doubt that there were times when when you enforced your boundaries against my caretaking, and I felt threatened.  I have learned more about this and feel (relatively) confident that when it comes up again, I will not take your enforcement of your boundary as rejection, but rather as a way to love you on your terms.  I hope your reaction to my boundaries will be similar.

I have a long way to go, and I recognize that.  The biggest thing I need from you, Friend, is this:  If you are unsure of my intent and motivations, please ask, rather than fill in the blanks yourself.  I know this is a big request, especially since in the past, I was less aware of and less honest about my true feelings.  I understand the need to fill in the blanks when there are so many blanks that need to be filled.  I've learned what happens when I leave room for interpretation.

My commitment to myself - and by extension to you, Friend - is to own my feelings.  I will own them all - the flattering, attractive ones, the pitiful needy ones, the ugly ones - all of them.  What you think of me - your opinion of me - is none of my business.  What you do with that opinion and how you treat me as a result IS.  So rather than worry about your perceptions of me, I'm going to do my very best to give you accurate data from which to draw conclusions.  The rest is beyond my control.

I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to be completely honest from the very beginning.  It wasn't personal or aimed at you, and it certainly didn't affect only you.  I had to learn to love and accept all these parts of myself before I could even imagine them all being loved and accepted by someone else.

Thank you for sticking around during that not-so-great time.  I'm grateful for your friendship.

With love,
Rhonda