Prison Break!

As part of my recent attitude adjustment, I have been listening to a ton of Girl Power songs.  (I've also been listening to a ton of sappy 70's love songs, but that's none of your business, so leave me alone about it.)  Katy Perry, the Wicked Soundtrack, Alicia Keys, P!nk, Florence + the Machine - all have been on heavy rotation.

This morning was no exception.  I was jamming to "Roar" first...

You held me down, but I got up 

Already brushing off the dust.

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough

I see it all, I see it now...

and then "Defying Gravity"...

I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down:

I love the imagery in these songs.  Women - locked up in chains and held down by circumstances kicking the door open, letting the light in and freeing themselves.  Flying free.  Getting out into the sun and Roaring.  So inspiring!  All these great songs about overcoming obstacles, haters and harsh conditions just make me feel so good.

Except for one little problem:  I can't relate.

 Let me explain.  Usually when I'm singing a song, I project my own personal story into it.  If I'm listening to a song about a beautiful child, I picture my own kids.  If I'm singing about love or loss, I usually have someone's face in my mind.    But when I'm singing, "You held me down, but I got up" and  "You can't bring me down,"  I couldn't for the life of me picture an oppressor.  

On the whole, I've had a pretty charmed life.  I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by caring and loving friends, family, and partners.  I've had supportive mentors and colleagues.  There has never been anyone in my life who discouraged me from doing or being anything I wanted to be. (Well, once, but that lady was an idiot, so she doesn't count.)  So who was bringing me down?

I started thinking about it...  wracking my brain.  Who is my antagonist?  Who held me down in the dark?  Who was it?  

And there was the answer: It was me.

I was the person holding me down.  Well, to be accurate: my inner Critical Review Board.  My fears.  My paralyzing need for approval.  My codependency.  My lack of confidence.  All of those things were the locks that kept me imprisoned.  I haven't had to struggle against an outside force.  The enemy has been within.  If anything, the people who could have been considered antagonists along the way were probably yelling at me in frustration:  You have wings, Rhonda.  Why aren't you flying?!

I let that sink in for a minute.  If I'm being held down by me, can't I just...not?  There's nothing inherently wrong with me.  I'm not shackled by addictive behaviors (Thank you, God, for that.).  I'm not a slave to any one or any thing.  So... what's stopping me?

So I decided to break out of jail.  That's the really cool thing about figuring out that you're the jailer: at any time, you can just... open the doors and walk out.  

That's not to say that I might not retreat into the security of my cell when I'm scared or threatened.  But I don't have to stay there.  So I am busting out!  No more prison for me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go for a little walk in the sun.