If you had a superpower, I really think it would be insight. You see things in a way that I can only describe as prophetic. I admire that gift and wish I had it. My gift seems to center on hindsight. While I tend to miss things as they are happening, I do have the very helpful ability to reflect, see patterns, and learn from them - eventually. That hindsight is the reason for this letter.
I see now that in our relationship, I have done a terrible job of setting boundaries. This was partly because I didn't know so much about them and didn't understand their importance, and partly because I was worried that setting boundaries would make you not like me.
Things are different now. I have learned a tremendous amount about boundaries and their necessity, and I have established some. Rather than delineate them here, I prefer to let them unfold as needed. As you know, I've never been a fan of the thou shalt nots and part of the habit of behavior I'm trying to change is the need to control for every possible outcome. The most important thing you need to know is that some things I tolerated in the past are no longer acceptable. And some patterns that we established, I am no longer willing to continue. When the moments inevitably arise, I can inform you that you've hit a boundary, but I think it will be pretty obvious. However, if you are ever unclear or unsure, please ask. I trust us to figure it out.
In the past, I fell into the habit of caretaking. I gave help whether I was asked for it or not, and whether it was needed or not. I see now that this behavior can be taken to the extreme, and when it is, it hurts both you and me. And I don't doubt that there were times when when you enforced your boundaries against my caretaking, and I felt threatened. I have learned more about this and feel (relatively) confident that when it comes up again, I will not take your enforcement of your boundary as rejection, but rather as a way to love you on your terms. I hope your reaction to my boundaries will be similar.
I have a long way to go, and I recognize that. The biggest thing I need from you, Friend, is this: If you are unsure of my intent and motivations, please ask, rather than fill in the blanks yourself. I know this is a big request, especially since in the past, I was less aware of and less honest about my true feelings. I understand the need to fill in the blanks when there are so many blanks that need to be filled. I've learned what happens when I leave room for interpretation.
My commitment to myself - and by extension to you, Friend - is to own my feelings. I will own them all - the flattering, attractive ones, the pitiful needy ones, the ugly ones - all of them. What you think of me - your opinion of me - is none of my business. What you do with that opinion and how you treat me as a result IS. So rather than worry about your perceptions of me, I'm going to do my very best to give you accurate data from which to draw conclusions. The rest is beyond my control.
I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to be completely honest from the very beginning. It wasn't personal or aimed at you, and it certainly didn't affect only you. I had to learn to love and accept all these parts of myself before I could even imagine them all being loved and accepted by someone else.
Thank you for sticking around during that not-so-great time. I'm grateful for your friendship.
With love,
Rhonda
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