Act 32: Say No to Someone Powerful

Initially, I imagined this act to be some sort of Moment of Truth, where I'm faced with a choice to give in or stand my ground, and I'd have to summon up the courage to give a big, fat, "NO."  But then, I guess I'm still in the habit of imagining my life as being like Dead Poet's Society.  Turns out,
real life gives you few pivotal moments where you have to stand up on your desk and declare, "O Captain!  My Captain!"  Real life is more the sum total of many, many little moments of decision.  And so, this act morphed into something completely different.  Instead of one shining moment, of courage, this became about consistently being courageous by setting (and sticking to) personal boundaries.

Setting boundaries is something I've struggled with as long as I can remember.  I was the kid who always loaned my lunch money, gave away my best pencil, and would put myself out to do a friend a favor.  As an adult, I became the person who would get the job done, give you the shirt off my back, and (still) put myself out to to accommodate the people in my life.  In on of itself, this is not a bad thing.  However, I tend to take it to the extreme.  It wasn't until I started doing a little reading that I realized there is a name for this tendency: codependency.  I thought codependency was a condition that afflicted mostly the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts - of which I am neither.  However, it turns out that while those are the folks who frequently struggle with codependency, it can impact anyone.

 It was hard at first to pin down a definition of codependency - because there appears to be a fair bit of debate about the condition.  Not every criterion applied, but the more I read, the more the whole seemed to fit.  The heart of the issue with codependency is low self esteem, coupled with the compulsive need to take care of the people in one's life - whether they want or need it or not.  Add to that the inability to set boundaries, stand up for oneself, and take care of one's own needs, and you get a person who is afraid to say no or stop "doing" for others out of fear of rejection or disapproval.

It's pretty scary to apply a label to yourself, but it can also be very liberating.  Just like in those science projects of days gone by, once you've identified the problem, then you can set about solving it.  First, I did what Rhondas do best: RESEARCH.  I read tons of articles on the subject and dove into Melody Beattie's book The New Codependency.  I began to take note of what resonated with me - and what did not.  I do have a tendency to get lost in relationships - contorting - to fit the space that I thought needed to be filled.  The thinking being: if I can fill the space better than anyone else, I will be loved and appreciated and miraculously my emotional needs will all be met.

But it doesn't quite work that way.

Instead of feeling fulfilled, I felt empty - like I was sacrificing the best part of me for no real return.  And the people around me didn't know what to do with all the abnormal attention.  It made me clingy and needy - and a little panicked when things weren't going perfectly.  And in life, when do things ever go perfectly?

I learned that the key to breaking the cycle of codependency is learning self care.  That is, taking care of, accepting and loving yourself - filling your own emotional gas tank - rather than depending on someone else to do it for you.  I wish I could say that as soon as I figured out what the problem was,  I was able to  fix it.  But it's not quite that easy.

And so establishing firm boundaries become the heart of this act.  This works because when you are anxious to obtain approval, everyone is someone powerful.  Without boundaries, every person you encounter wields power over you - because you let them.  So my saying no to someone powerful is to establish clearly delineated boundaries.  Or rather, to begin the process of establishing clearly delineated boundaries.

By setting those boundaries, and taking care of myself first,  I'm not saying "No" to anyone in particular as much as I am saying "Yes" to me.  And every time I stick to one of my boundaries, THAT becomes my "O Captain!  My Captain!" moment.