What a Difference A Year Makes

This morning, Timehop informed that that one year ago today, I published My List.  On one hand, that was a seriously quick year.  I feel like I blinked and it passed!  On the other, when I think about all that has happened in the last 365 days, it seems like a millennium.  And when I really stop to consider all the changes that have taken place, it takes my breath away a little.

When I embarked on this project, I think it's safe to say I was a little lost.  My heart had been broken.  While from the outside, it looked like I had it all figured out, inside I didn't feel certain about anything.  I didn't know who I was.

Or rather, I had lost touch with who I was.

I always knew, but it was very hard for me to accept and love that person. I lived my life afraid to show who I was, because I feared judgement and rejection.  This project was meant to push the limits of my courage and goad me into living a more authentic life.

If I'm honest, I think this endeavor started out as a way to show the world I was worthy.  Hey everybody!  Look at me!  Look how BRAVE I am!!  But as time has passed, I'm the one who's been convinced.  I'm not quite done with the list, but I have to say that the mission has been successful.  But not in the way I anticipated.

It has been a beautiful, messy, exciting, clumsy, amazing year.  I have done some pretty cool things!  I have also fallen flat on my ass.  The beauty of the experience is that whether it's been a triumph or a failure, or somewhere in between, it's all been perfectly acceptable.  It's all been OK.  OK to celebrate.  OK to feel sorry for myself.  OK to put myself out there.  OK to hide in my house.  I've learned in the last year that I'm OK.  It doesn't matter what fresh hell I am digging up, or what thing I'm obsessively worrying about.  I am OK.

So the project that started off about courage and authenticity ended up teaching me about acceptance and love.  And while I can't say I do it 100% of the time, I am much better at giving the acceptance and love that I always reserved for others to myself.

In the last year, I've really come to enjoy the person I am.  I've learned to cut her some slack - because she tries really, really hard.  I've learned to back off with the criticism and dial up the acceptance.  Hell, I've even learned to speak to her with kindness and affection instead of harsh judgement.  In taking on this project, I've learned to love myself - my real self.  Not just the fancy, flawlessly put together, competent face I show the world, but the mixed up, awkward, trying-too-hard, desperate to be loved one.

In the process, my ability to love the people around me has grown too.  I am enjoying my relationship with my children so much more. The mood in our home is lighter, more relaxed, more fun.  I am a  more patient, more loving friend.  I don't absorb the problems of those around me, and I am more open, more vulnerable and more willing to ask for what I need. I have removed many of the barriers I had built against love.  As each one falls, I find myself more and more ready to love and be loved.

That's quite something.  And it all came from making a silly little list of things I wanted to do.

Poking Wounds

I have a folder of emails that I keep buried in my in-box.  They are a sort of miserable greatest hits of the last eighteen months or so.  When the great schism happened, I went through and deleted 95% of the vast store of emails, text messages, and chats that I had collected over about 6 months.  If there was one thing we did a lot of, it was TALK.  Good gracious there was a bunch of it!  And maybe it's the teacher in me that led me to hang on to them.  I'm used to collecting artifacts and work samples to document everything.  For whatever reason, I kept a sample from the beginning, the middle, and the end.

These messages were all brutal to read.  The beginning ones - because they were so sweet and tender, so full of promises and hope.  The middle ones - because they clearly showed the fault lines that and signaled the descent that would end in flames and burning.  But the ending ones - the ending ones were hardest because they captured the immensity of the anger and hurt that eventually led to the final break.

Despite the fact that these were brutally painful to read, I had made a habit of revisiting them over the course of the last year.  Sometimes, it was because I was feeling nostalgic and needed a dose of reality.  Sometimes because I was feeling sorry for myself, and I wanted to fan the flames of my pity party bonfire.  Sometimes, it was a reminder of how far I've come from that point.  As the year progressed, I would use the hurt they generated as a measure.  Much like doctor may palpate a wounded area to see if it's healing properly, I would poke at my wounds by re-reading these messages.  I told myself it was to measure my progress -  to see how much it still hurt my heart, but I think there was some self-punishment at work there too.  Regardless of the reason, the effect was consistent.  Almost without fail, just opening the folder would bring on a wave of anxiety, anger, hurt and sometimes tears.  I would feel my face flush and get the feeling that the world was falling out from under me.

In the early days and weeks, I probed frequently.  I read and re-read them, forcing myself to feel every bit of it.  However, I found that poking at a wound too much hindered its healing, so as time went on, I revisited them less and less.

I stumbled upon this folder today while looking for something else.  I had honestly forgotten it was there.  In fact, it took me a minute to realize what was in the folder I had named "Brain Dump."  When I opened it and saw the index, I expected the flush, the anxiety, the hurt, the anger, the tears.  Instead, I got... nothing.  I opened one of the messages, and read over it.  I noted how overwrought our words had been - how loaded and angry - but the emotional wallop that usually came with remembering them was gone.

Could this really be the case?

I pulled up the worst one of the bunch. It was the howler that I could only bring myself to read a handful of times - so full of venom that I hated to even think about it.  There was a time when those words cut me so deeply that I could barely stand it.  No one had ever spoken of me - before or since - in such a harsh and hateful way, and at the time, it had cut me to the core. I trotted that one out when I was feeling particularly self-flagellating, and it had never failed to deliver.

Today, I didn't feel the need to even open it.  I knew that the things in it were not true, knew that the person who wrote it knew nothing about me - not really.  I also knew that the words contained in that email were so far removed from my my life as it is now that it was no longer a reliable artifact.  I had learned all I could from this experience.  I didn't have to keep poking.  The pain was gone.  It was time to let the rest of it go too.

I deleted the folder.

On Resolutions

Today is the first day of the new year, and as the relentlessly self improving woman I am, prior to today I gave some thought to my New Year's Resolutions.  It's kind of a compulsion, really.  I love to have a plan or a project.  I like something to focus my attention and effort on - because my brain needs the distraction.  And honestly, I think that the planning and action and reflection is good for me.  This time last year, I embarked on this project, and it led me to have one of the BEST years of my life so far.  What's not to like?

As I sat down to think about what I wanted to change, something strange started to happen.  I looked at the areas of my life and realized that I am pretty darned happy with the way things are.  My relationship with my children has never been better. They are healthy and happy, and we have a ton of fun together.  I have a job that I love and am challenged by.  I have a rich and varied group of wonderful people who I can call my friends.  I love and am loved.  I've become more honest and up front about my feelings and as a result, feel much more balanced and authentic.  I have a beautiful home with everything I need - including two furry beasties who love a good cuddle.  My financial house is (mostly) in order.  Life is... good.  Really good.

So this year, instead of picking something to overhaul and change about my life, I resolve to appreciate what I have.  I resolve to enjoy the unfolding of events and to savor the sweetness of my days.  I resolve to accept (and maybe even celebrate) my imperfections and to learn from my mistakes.  I resolve to cut myself some slack when I don't get it just right and to give myself some credit when I do.  I resolve to love myself as openly and deeply as I love my friends and family.  And I resolve to be here now.

So the projects and the goals will have to wait a little while, because this year, I'm going to be too busy being grateful.  Oh, and eating more vegetables.

May your New Year be filled with love, joy, peace, and all the things that make you happy.

Act 16: Take a Segway Tour

This act was originally intended to get me out of my comfort zone on onto a dorky motorized vehicle to live out my Gob Bluth wanna-be fantasies.  However, as my 40 Acts fund balance dwindled, so did my grand ideas of tooling around on the human transport of the future.  I think it's all for the best.  I'm notoriously clumsy on two feet, so I think me on a Segway was a recipe for disaster.  Still, the Act had to be done, so I decided it was time to be resourceful.  I turned to the place all budget-minded adventurers go:  Groupon!

There weren't any exciting options in the Raleigh-Durham area at the moment, but I did find something called a Crazy Dash tour.  And there just so happened to be one available in Memphis!  Since I was headed there to see my best good friend, Sarah, I immediately purchased a voucher.  

We headed to downtown Memphis to set off on our tour.  This was not an easy feat because this just so happened to be the same day as the St. Jude's Children's Hospital Marathon.  Downtown was hopping!

Our Crazy Dash was basically a virtual scavenger hunt through downtown Memphis.  Along the way, we learned about the city while doing some pretty silly things.  Among them, counting (and posing) with the balls in front of FedEx Forum, performing an impromptu musical number for the (HUGE) crowd in from of Autozone Park, pretending to be escaped zoo animals, and showing affection to strangers and inanimate objects.  So, basically - Sarah and I doing what we usually do when we get together.  

Piggly Wiggly is very special to both of us.
We're big on the pig!

We started our dash on Beale St.

The task was to hug or kiss a random person or object.  It was
either this guy or the bouncer.  Fireball wins every time!

Fun fact: There are 11 basketballs in front of FedEx Forum

We chose "Sweet Caroline" in honor of Miss CallieRu.
We were disappointed that no one joined in!

Bottoms up from Court Square!

I wish the photo better captured how beautiful the light was right then.
Just lovely!

Escaped zoo animals were on the loose.  Here's Sarah Wolf being a wolf.

And me doing my best tiger impression

We are all looking good here!

Success!  We scored a 106/100 - because that's how we roll.

In all, it was a great experience.  We learned a thing or two, had a blast acting silly, and best of all - I didn't crash into anything.  One of these days, I will find a way to get on a Segway, but until then, this Act is going in the books!

Act 26: Travel Somewhere I Have Never Been Before

I had grand plans for this Act.  I actually got a form to renew my passport and everything!  However, life intervened and between a new job, a dwindling bank account, and other unexpected responsibilities, I found myself having to scale back on my grand plans.

Where did I want to go?  Finding a new place was tougher than it might seem!  I spent a good 15 years with The King of the Road Trip, so we had covered most of the interesting places that were within driving distance.  I've been fortunate that I've been to most of the major American cities:  New York, Boston, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Dallas, Baltimore.  My heart is called toward the Pacific Northwest, but my bank account dissuaded me from heading that far, so I started looking regionally.

I thought that Nashville, TN might be a good choice.  My best, good friend Sarah had recently moved to Memphis, so I asked her if she'd be interested in meeting in Nashville for a weekend.  Unfortunately, that girl is even busier than me, so finding time for a getaway wasn't really possible.  So, in true Rhonda fashion, I got to thinking.  I really want to see Sarah.  I really need to travel somewhere...  I really need to limit my expenses...  Why not Memphis?  So, that's where I went.  Turns out, Memphis is a real gem!

Back in the day, if I was traveling somewhere, I would first make a pilgrimage to the library to check out the handy dandy Frommer's travel guide.  I would spend weeks learning about the place, making a list of things to do, places to eat, sights to see.  I'd meticulously plan out all the highlights of my trip.  This trip was a little different.  My planning went something like this.

Me: Hey!  You free Dec 3-5.

Sarah: Yep

Me: Cool.  Can I stay with you?

Sarah: My apartment is small, but sure.

Me.  Great!  Will you pick me up from the airport?

Sarah: Yes.  Text me when you get here.

I did do a tiny amount of advance planning.  I booked my flight, and then went to Groupon to find a cheap tour of the town for Act 16, but that's it.  I didn't even pack until the night before I left!  

That's not to say that there was no plan.  Sarah and I have traveled together before, and we have always had a nice dynamic.  We both like a moderate amount of tourist activity.  Nothing breakneck or crazy - but we get out to see the sights.  She's a good sport about my love for cheesy tours - we did a carriage tour in Charleston and a ghost tour in Asheville - and we have similar tastes in food (local, down home, nothing too fancy) and love beer.  Given that, Sarah did some asking around and had a few ideas for our visit.

First stop: The Cupboard for some amazing Southern cooking.  We were both so hungry that I didn't get any pictures of the food.  It was REALLY good.

From lunch we headed to the National Ornamental Metal Museum.  Right on the banks of the Mississippi River and only $6 to get into, this place was SO COOL!

As a bonus, there was a really creepy looking 1880s military hospital right next door.

I really wanted to climb the fence and go exploring, but the razor wire convinced me not to.

The view from the museum grounds.

Even the benches were cool!

I found some very interesting items in the blacksmith shop.  

Here's a sample of the things they were making in the metal casting workshop.

We showed up just in time to watch them pour some aluminium coasters.  

Sarah and I got a "behind the scenes" tour of some of the collection.
They even let us handle some pieces.

Check out the detail on this sword!

On the way to the Metal Museum, Sarah kept saying "I'm going to have to take you to the Bass Pro Shop."  Now, neither of us are particularly outdoorsy, so I was mystified at her insistence.  Until I saw this rising in the distance:

That is the 6th largest pyramid in the world.  And it's a Bass Pro Shop.  Really.

The inside really was quite something.  

We saw a family getting their professional Christmas photos taken.  At the Bass Pro Shop.

I think it needs more animal heads.

There were real bass ponds inside.  And an alligator, who
seemed slightly mortified to be associated with this operation.  Just sayin'.

I didn't think anything could top that outing, until Sarah got a text from a colleague of hers.  "She's offering me free tickets to a concert tonight.  Do you want to go?"  Heck yeah!  Let's do it.

Turns out, the concert was at 1034 Audubon Drive.  That's a house in a suburban neighborhood.  Strange place for a concert, until we found out the house used to belong to this guy:

Yes.  That's Elvis.  In front of the house we were going to.  WHAT?!

Turns out, we were attending the taping of an episode of "An Evening At Elvis'".  This series of concerts are sponsored by the Mike Curb Institute of Music at Rhodes College.  Not only did we get to hear some really great music in an intimate setting, but we got to hang out in Elvis' house.  (Actually this was doubly cool, because Elvis is a distant cousin of mine on my Mom's side.  My grandma's mama was a Presley.)  

That's me!  Sitting on Elvis' couch.

The house was bought for Elvis' parents with the profits from "Heartbreak Hotel."

This wallpaper was the height of cool in 1956.

And you can see where Elvis wrote his name on the wall!  

Here's the band: Mason Jar Fireflies

Free beer AND they fed us Gus's Fried Chicken - a Memphis fixture.  

Not too shabby for my first afternoon in Memphis.  I didn't think Sarah would be able to top that, but then the next day...

We hit downtown for a Crazy Dash tour of Memphis.  We ran all over that town!  (Read all about that in THIS post!)  

The Orpheum Theatre

Once we were finished dashing, we celebrated with a lovely beverage and decided to go check out Beale Street.  Turns out, the Memphis Christmas Parade was about to begin.  We snagged an outdoor table, ordered some appetizers and settled in for the parade.

We had prime seats!

We got lots of parade swag.

We even saw the man himself!

About halfway through the parade, we realized we were sitting a B.B. King's place.

There was no shortage of good music.  And great food!

Beale Street was so much fun!

After exploring Beale Street, Sarah and I decided to it was time to class it up a bit, so we headed to The Peabody.  While we missed the ducks, we did enjoy some highly sophisticated drinks in the extremely opulent bar.

After almost crashing an expensive-looking, but sadly lame office Christmas party, we made it to the roof!

The ducks have a nicer house than I do.

The view was quite lovely.

You can't take us anywhere...

After the swankiness of the Peabody, we headed to Ernestine & Hazel's, a former brothel turned dive bar. We were in dire need of food, so we ordered two Soul Burgers.  Oh my goodness, it was so good, and I was so hungry, I forgot to take a photo.

Clearly, I didn't enjoy my burger at all.

After our burgers, we wandered around the labyrinthine place.  We ended up in a tucked-away room upstairs where we found Nate the Bartender.  Nate was 71, had lived in Memphis most of his adult life, and was full of stories.

Nate's smile was infectious.

We ended the night on that high note and headed back to Sarah's to crash.

The next day, I accompanied Sarah to the church where she works in Young Adult ministry.  It was a grand and lovely church, with an extremely welcoming congregation.  Best of all, I got to see my dear friend in her element, doing her thing.  

The whole trip was full of all my favorite things: a great friend, ridiculously good food, amazing music, and unanticipated delights.  It was just what my heart needed, and I cannot WAIT to go back!