What a Difference A Year Makes

This morning, Timehop informed that that one year ago today, I published My List.  On one hand, that was a seriously quick year.  I feel like I blinked and it passed!  On the other, when I think about all that has happened in the last 365 days, it seems like a millennium.  And when I really stop to consider all the changes that have taken place, it takes my breath away a little.

When I embarked on this project, I think it's safe to say I was a little lost.  My heart had been broken.  While from the outside, it looked like I had it all figured out, inside I didn't feel certain about anything.  I didn't know who I was.

Or rather, I had lost touch with who I was.

I always knew, but it was very hard for me to accept and love that person. I lived my life afraid to show who I was, because I feared judgement and rejection.  This project was meant to push the limits of my courage and goad me into living a more authentic life.

If I'm honest, I think this endeavor started out as a way to show the world I was worthy.  Hey everybody!  Look at me!  Look how BRAVE I am!!  But as time has passed, I'm the one who's been convinced.  I'm not quite done with the list, but I have to say that the mission has been successful.  But not in the way I anticipated.

It has been a beautiful, messy, exciting, clumsy, amazing year.  I have done some pretty cool things!  I have also fallen flat on my ass.  The beauty of the experience is that whether it's been a triumph or a failure, or somewhere in between, it's all been perfectly acceptable.  It's all been OK.  OK to celebrate.  OK to feel sorry for myself.  OK to put myself out there.  OK to hide in my house.  I've learned in the last year that I'm OK.  It doesn't matter what fresh hell I am digging up, or what thing I'm obsessively worrying about.  I am OK.

So the project that started off about courage and authenticity ended up teaching me about acceptance and love.  And while I can't say I do it 100% of the time, I am much better at giving the acceptance and love that I always reserved for others to myself.

In the last year, I've really come to enjoy the person I am.  I've learned to cut her some slack - because she tries really, really hard.  I've learned to back off with the criticism and dial up the acceptance.  Hell, I've even learned to speak to her with kindness and affection instead of harsh judgement.  In taking on this project, I've learned to love myself - my real self.  Not just the fancy, flawlessly put together, competent face I show the world, but the mixed up, awkward, trying-too-hard, desperate to be loved one.

In the process, my ability to love the people around me has grown too.  I am enjoying my relationship with my children so much more. The mood in our home is lighter, more relaxed, more fun.  I am a  more patient, more loving friend.  I don't absorb the problems of those around me, and I am more open, more vulnerable and more willing to ask for what I need. I have removed many of the barriers I had built against love.  As each one falls, I find myself more and more ready to love and be loved.

That's quite something.  And it all came from making a silly little list of things I wanted to do.