Blue

I've been feeling really off lately.  I can't quite put my finger on the cause.  All I know is that I've been feeling isolated, lonely, and blue.  I think I cope with it pretty well; I'm still doing the things I normally do, see the people I normally see.  I'm functional.  But everything feels... hollow.

I think part of it is, looking back on where I was a year ago I realize that, while I have grown a tremendous amount and learned SO MUCH, my life still just isn't the way I had hoped it would be.  I don't have anything figured out any better than I did last year.  In fact, I think I have to honestly say that I'm more tangled up now than I was then.

The thing that scares me is that I'm doing all the healthy, self care things I've learned to do, and the feeling persists.  I feel blocked and afraid - so much so, that it has taken me nearly 3 weeks to get these thoughts down in writing!

The worst part is that I can't really put my finger on what's causing this feeling.  Last year, my pain had a face and a name.  It was logical, explainable, relate-able.  This year, it feels like a gross oversimplification to attribute all these feelings to one singular cause.  I can't seem to put it into words, and that compounds the issue.

One of the things I have learned to do is to reach out for help when I'm feeling overwhelmed or lonely.  But how do you call someone up and say, "Well, I'm not really sure what my deal is or why I feel this way.  All I know is I feel really, really, really crappy.  Can you fix it?"  And when someone asks how I am, the only thing I can think to say is, "I'm mostly OK."  Because I am.  Mostly.

And how do you put it out into the world that you're struggling without coming across as an overwrought drama queen or an attention-seeking adolescent?   Aren't I, as a capable and self-aware adult, supposed to be able to handle my own mess without dragging others into it?  And how do you ask for help, when you have no idea what kind of help you need?

The only think I can think to do with all this is to just... own it.  This pain and discomfort is mine.  This is how I feel.  This is what I'm struggling with.  Maybe that's the most courageous thing to do.  Because just feeling blah doesn't make for a very compelling story.

I know it will get better - that this, too, shall pass.  But right now, I just have no idea how.

All I know to do is to acknowledge that right now, in this moment, things do not feel awesome.  And I guess that's kind of the point.