It's Not Me, It's You

For almost a year now, I've been writing about trusting my instincts and following my heart and being courageous.  But honestly, all that doesn't amount to a hill of beans if you're chasing something that isn't good for you.   For all that I've learned in the last year, I still struggle with knowing what's best for me versus something that I just want.  And even when I get an inkling that maaaaaybe something isn't right, I get all caught up in the "but I WANT it" mentality.  I never seem to be able to figure out when it's time to throw in the towel.

I hope one day, it won't take a heartbreaking, ego smashing event to get me to that point.  But, apparently today, it does.



Welcome to my pity party.

The cause and details aren't really important, but suffice to day that my poor little ego has taken quite a beating.  Part of it is my own fault.  I chose to ignore a pretty clear directive because I thought my heart was telling me, No.  This is meant to happen.  This is a minor setback, a bump in the road.  All you have to do is hang in there. Everything will be A-ok.    Bullshit.

So here I am, with irrefutable proof.  Nope.  That was most definitely not a minor setback, not a bump in the road, nor is it meant to happen.  And everything is definitely not a-ok.  So what do I do with that?

In the past, I would have told spun a narrative about how I'm just not good enough for the part I was hoping to play and that if I just try a little harder I can make it work.  I'd think: if I'm not what they want, give me a little bit.  I can turn into it!  I'd send the message: Just hang in there a little while longer, and I will become the person they want.  And then, I would diligently go about trying to anticipate what it was I needed to be, what I needed to do, how I needed to act to get what I thought I needed.  Alas, inevitably, after pouring all that time and effort into my quest, it would again become clear: it's not going to go my way.

Well, that's not happening today.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am actually a little pissed.  I don't appreciate being toyed with - even inadvertently.  I have better things to do with my time.

And I'm tired of the pity party.  It's been done, and it's a waste of my time.   Today I write a new script.

If they are blind to all that I bring to the table, if they think they can find someone who is better at doing the job than I am, then that is not a flaw in my character.

Rejection doesn't have me doubting my worth; it has me doubting your sanity.  Honey, it's not me; it's you.