The In-Between

I am a chronic over-achiever.  Throughout my entire life, I've been obsessed with moving forward.  Whether it is my career, my education, my family life, or my relationships, I've always been obsessed with what "my next move" was going to be.  I've been like the shark, swimming unceasingly, because to stop swimming is to die.

I understand now that that relentless pursuit of progress was less about achievement and more about avoidance.  I kept plowing forward out of fear.  If I was moving forward, then it didn't matter if where I was at the moment was unsatisfying or uncomfortable.  I wouldn't be lingering here, so there wasn't time to really reflect on it.

Because of that unceasing need to be ready to seize the next opportunity, I found myself grasping on to situations that were not good for me.  I was the living embodiment of a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  I always had to have a bird in hand - and had to be ready to grab the next one, should it become available.  I spent all my energy trying to fit the situations that were presented to me, rather than taking the time to find situations that right.

I am trying to change that.

Right now, in my life, I'm not really working toward an accomplishment. I'm not in pursuit of a goal.  I'm not searching for a relationship, a new career, the next big thing. There is nothing that I'm obsessively trying to achieve.   And the feeling is so... liberating.

And terrifying.

Right now, I'm in what Melody Beattie calls "the in-between."

Being in-between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but were not. We’re standing at the in-between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

There is a certain amount of faith required in this state of being.  And it's not for cowards.  As the quote above says, sometimes the most courageous thing is to be willing to stand with our hands empty and wait for God to fill them.  And while the idea of being empty-handed makes me nervous, I have to admit that after holding on to a heavy load of not-quite-right and just-plain-wrong, it's kind of nice to have my hands free.

 I've been spending my time and energy figuring out who I am and what I already have.  Once I get that worked out, I will spend some time thinking about what it is that I need and what I really want.
And hopefully, when that is all sorted out, I will be ready to start moving again.