Act 18: Try a Martial Arts Class

I didn't know what I was in for when I purchased my Groupon for Triangle Krav Maga;  I just knew the price was right, the location was convenient, and the timing fit my schedule.  I did a little bit of research beforehand (I am, after all, me!), but for the most part I went in cold.  

When I initially planned this Act, I had images of myself as the next Karate Kid - in a gleaming white gi, ready to take on the evil Cobra Kai.  However, as I learned more, my idea of Krav Maga seemed a bit more akin to the bad boys.   Krav Maga ("contact combat" in Hebrew) is a self-defense system developed for the Israeli army.  It's closer to boxing and judo than to karate or tae kwon do, and according to Wikipedia, "is known for its focus on real-world situations and extremely efficient and brutal counter-attacks."  YES, PLEASE.

Perhaps the biggest blessing of this little project of mine is how miraculously these tasks put me exactly where I need to be, when I need to be there.  Like the salsa dancing that lifted my spirits when I was way down, this, too, came when I really, really needed it.  I had no idea when I made my reservation weeks ago that on this day, I would be in the mood to kick some butt.  But I was.  I really was.

I didn't know exactly what to expect when I arrived.  Yes, I had done a little research, but the reading did not prepare me for what waited behind that unassuming storefront!  I walked in to a large open room with a wide pad in the middle of the floor.  It smelled like a middle school locker room.  On one wall, there were about 25 3 foot long pads hanging.  On the opposite wall was a display of weapons.  But this was not the typical weapons one might expect in a dojo.  Rather than shurikens and katanas think AK-47s. I realized at that moment that this was not Mr. Myagi's karate class.

As I waited for the action to begin, I watched the crowd that began to gather.  It was quite a diverse group: Two 20-something girls, a dad and his teen-aged son and daughter.  A couple in their late 40s.  A wisp of a girl who looked barely 18.  One or two 30-somethings, and a herd of 20-something guys.  Again, not what I expected!  I chatted a bit with the girls who were gathering, curious about what brought them here.  Most wanted a fun workout.  One wanted to be able to defend herself.  All agreed this program was downright addictive.

The instructor was a very compact and energetic guy in probably his late 20s.  He seemed small and easygoing to me when I first laid eyes on him, but as soon as class began, he proved to be quite an imposing presence.  To begin class, the instructor had us all line up in the front of the class.  We bowed to the mural of Imi ( Imi Lichtenfeld, the founder of Krav Maga) and then to our teacher.  And then the torture began.  We started with burpees.  If you've never experienced a burpee, consider yourself lucky.  They are a full body exercise that is a combination of a squat and a jump.  But in this class, these burpees were accompanied by a push up.  It went something like this:  Squat down, bending your knees.  Leap in the air.  Place your palms on the ground and hop your feet out behind you - assuming a plank position.  Do one push up.  Hop your feet up to your hands until you are in a squatting position.  Repeat.  If you want to try one, I'll wait...

Yeah.  It sucks, right?  We started with 10 of those.

After 10 burpees, we were told to find a sparring partner.  During this warmup, you and your partner would try to tap each other on the shoulder.  While your partner was trying to swat your shoulder, you had to defend yourself and try to swat their shoulders.  If your partner hit your shoulder, you had to do a push up.  5 minutes into class, and I was sweating, panting, and now trying to attack someone I had met 30 seconds ago.  It was hell.  And it was EXACTLY what I needed.  My first sparring partner was a new guy just like me, so we both were terrible at the shoulder swats.  That meant no extra push ups, so I wasn't complaining.  We did this for a few minutes and then...

Nine burpees and nine push ups.

We found a new sparring partner, and now in addition to swatting shoulders, we were instructed to also try to swat the outside of our partner's knees.  If your sparring partner connected with your knee, you had to do TWO push ups.  I ended up with that sweet, wispy girl I had chatted with before class.  I breathed a little mental sigh of relief as the sparring began, but the joke was on me.  That girl was dynamite!  She was so quick that I spent most of our sparring time doing push ups as she swatted me again and again and again.  She was kind though, coaching me to keep my guard up and giving me pointers on the best way to position my feet.  After a few minutes, the instructor called time.

Eight burpees and eight push ups.

This time, we were instructed to form two lines, facing forward with our feet slightly less than shoulder width apart and our arms crossed over our chests, hands on shoulders.  We pivoted to the left to face the left wall, then shifted to face the right wall.  We started slowly: face left, pivot right - focusing on keeping our feet in one place while shifting from side to side.  I did fine until we sped up.  Then I started to lose my balance and almost fell over.  Every time it would happen, I would get tickled and giggle at myself.  Then I would feel weird, because everyone else in the class was so serious and almost savage.  But I couldn't help it!  It was fun, and I was so out of my element.  We did this for a few minutes and then...

Seven burpees and seven push ups.

We got back up into place and this time, we added punches with the pivots.  Face the left wall and punch with your left hand.  Pivot to the right wall and punch with your right hand.  We did this much faster than the last go-round, and the punches helped me to stay a bit more balanced.  The only trouble was, every time I thought to myself Hey!  Look at me!  I'm doing this! or the instructor would praise me, I would lose my balance and stumble.  Every. Single.  Time.  Still, I felt like I was getting the hang of it.

Six burpees and six push ups.  (For those of you keeping track, that's 40 - not counting all the push ups I had to do during sparring!)

You can see I meant business!

Now it was time to learn the real punches.  We started with the left, or non-leading hand.  I stepped back with my right foot slightly behind me, I focused on a spot on the wall in front of me. On the instructor's command, punched out with my left hand (Hyah!) while keeping my right fist close to my jaw.  Again and again, we practiced the left jab.  Then we switched to the right.  However, since the right hand is my leading hand, we practiced punching through with the right hip to give extra power to the punch.  Again and again and again we punched with our right hand (Hyah!, Hyah!, Hyah!), then our left again.  And then both (Ya-Hah!).  Something about the focus on the single spot made this feel incredibly intense.  The instructor complimented me on my form (all that Tae-Bo I did in the late '90s paid off!) and I started to get why this was so addictive.

Five burpees and five push ups.

We were told to grab a shield and find a partner next.  I tracked down the nice girl I chatted with at the beginning of class, thinking that was a good choice for what came next.  It was time to practice actually punching someone.  I went first.  We were to hit the shield as hard as we could and as fast as we could until the instructor called "time!"  Then we were told to run back and touch the wall and go to the next person in the line.  Repeat until we were told to stop.  THIS IS WHAT I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR!  I learned after the first bit of sparring that folks didn't hold back in this class, so when the instructor gave the signal, I went all out.  I punched as hard and as fast as I could.  All the anger and frustration and disappointment that had been welling up in me surged up.  I must have looked like a mad woman, because I certainly felt like one.  That lasted for about 20 seconds.  Turns out, punching as hard and as fast as you can is EXHAUSTING!  After an eternity - in reality, about 30 seconds - I heard "Time!"  I ran back, touched the wall and found my next partner.  The short break recharged me a bit, and again, I just let that poor guy have it, wailing on that shield with everything I had.  "Time!"  Back to the wall and on to the next partner.  This time, I was a bit slower, and a bit less powerful, but I managed to keep it going.  "Time!"  Again,  And again. Until I made it to the last guy.  At this point, I could barely lift my arms to punch the shield.  Both my knuckles were battered and bloody, sweat was pouring down my face.  I was almost spent.  My partner was pushing me, saying "You can do this!"  and I could hear the instructor encouraging us:  Think of why you are here - what you have to protect!  Put that last bit into keeping them safe!!  Finally: "Time!"  I dropped my arms in relief, too exhausted to do anything but drag myself over to get a sip of water.

It was my turn to hold the shield.  I found my original partner, and she coached me on the best way to stand.  I held the shield against my chest, rooted myself with my left foot slightly behind my right and got ready for the onslaught.  The first punch took me by surprise.  It was the first time I had ever been punched, and the jolt of it knocked the wind out of me.  I adjusted my feet, raised the shield, and got ready for the next blow.  It kind of felt... good.  Every strike I withstood made me feel stronger.  Every blow I absorbed felt like a small victory.  And let me tell you, that girl packed some power!  "Time!"  The next opponent was a guy.  Interesting fact: in my Krav Maga class, the guys seemed to hold back a bit when it came to the punching.  The same can not be said for the girls.  Each time I faced a female sparring partner, I knew I was in for a walloping.  "Time!"

Four burpees and four push ups.  (At this point, the push ups were more like planks with a very small dip and the burpees were more like a little hop with a stretch at the end.)

The last part of the class was spent learning how to fend off attack.  (Side note: In the world created in Krav Maga, there are apparently always people lurking, ready to attack you with a variety of weapons, intents, and purposes.)  I learned how to not only break a choke hold, but also how to disable an attacker by aiming for his knees.  We practiced kicks, driving elbows and more punches.

Three half-hearted burpees and three leisurely push ups.

We found a partner and practiced attacking each other.  I found this to be a little disconcerting - partly because I don't like the idea of hurting anyone, and also because it's really quite awkward to grab a perfect stranger by the throat and knock him to the ground.  Also, by this point, I really thought I was going to pass out.

Two burpees and two push ups.  Almost done...

The instructor called up back into one line to review all that we had learned in class.  I was so glad to have made it to the end.  I felt strong and excited to have learned a few new things, but I was ready to be done.

Ten burpees and ten push ups.  (Wait!  What?!  No no no no NO!  It's supposed to be one, Dammit!!!!)

As I staggered back to my place in line, I felt proud of myself for hanging in the entire time.  I halfheartedly saluted Imi and the instructor, and then headed over to gather my things.  The instructor praised my effort and said he'd see me next week.

It took about 20 minutes for the complete and utter exhaustion to give way to euphoria.  It wasn't until I got home into the shower that I realized just how badass I was.  I did 64 burpees and 64 push ups (plus those I racked up during sparring!)  I had wailed on no less that three girls and six guys.  I had busted up my knuckles.  I was woman!  Hear me roar!  And I am SO going back next week!!