After so long of feeling like I am responsible for every little thing, it takes a lot of reminding to remember that God is the one who is in control. Every time, I'm surprised by the sense of peace that comes over me once the feeling has subsided. In those moments, I know that I am going to be alright - eventually. One day, I hope this reaction will be automatic. It's not quite yet, but it is self-reinforcing. The more I do it, the easier it gets.
The past two weeks were hard because I've been going through this while The Kids and I were snow bound together. At first, I tried to hide myself away when I would get The Feels - go into the other room or hang on until after bedtime or they went out to play. However, after a few days of that, it didn't make sense. I've been modeling the stoic bad habits for so long, I thought maybe it's time to model the healthy ones.
So, if I get The Feels when they are around, I verbalize what I'm going through. Last Monday-Tuesday was a good starting point. I felt raw and exposed and the tears were never far from the surface. When they would erupt, I would say, "I'm feeling happy because Chandler and Monica are engaged" (I watched a LOT of Friends the last two weeks.) or "I'm feeling sad now because I'm missing my Daddy. It makes me feel better to cry a little bit because it helps get the feelings out, I know that God has a plan and will take care of me, and when I remember that, it makes me feel better." They both seemed pretty cool with that.
I see some of my tendencies in my kids. The Boy has the tendency of caretaking and control - acting as if he's responsible for every one and every thing. In The Girl, I see the need for perfection in the anger and frustration that bubbles up when she doesn't get things just right. They both are exceptionally hard on themselves. It hurts my heart because I put that there. So I feel doubly dedicated to be as healthy as I can, so they can see what a healthy person looks like. I believe it's possible - with God's help. I know I can't change them, but I can be a good example and hope they will pick something up by osmosis.
The message that I keep driving home is that I love them as they are - no matter what. So when I fuss, it's always with that context. Interestingly, there has been much less fussing around Chez Kaye. Because I'm giving myself breathing room to just be, the kids also get to enjoy the breathing room. I can feel it in our home. I've stopped micromanaging them (as much... I am after all a Work in Progress!) They have responsibilities, but I have stopped standing over them while they fulfill those responsibilities. They have risen to the challenge. This past week, we basically did home-school. Each Kid completed a major project. The Girl did two writing prompts. The Boy kept up with his school work too. There was minimal fussing, and plenty of time to enjoy the snow, the down time, and each other.
It's kind of an amazingly beautiful thing!
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