I’m Happier Not Knowing

I have a 10 year journal that I use to record the highlights of each day.  It creates kind of a "This Day in History" for my life.  I was retroactively filling in Q2 of this year, it was a bit of a revelation.  It sucked!  The only two notable events I had listed was a concert I attended and an out-of-the-blue breakup. Everything else was a blank slate because, frankly during that time, I was in survival mode. Looking back was painful, at best.  And what did remembering give me?  Data?  I don’t need that kind of data; I know what’s what.  I wasn’t too keen on reliving those days, so maybe it’s better not coming back up. I decided I was happier not reliving it.

Image credit: Blindfolded Girl by barnimages.com

For a reflective person like me, that’s a hard adjustment to make.  I tend to ruminate on
EVERYTHING.  But, I’m coming to realize that it’s not always a good idea.  Maybe some things are better left alone.  As I thought about that, I realized I had naturally been playing a similar thought in my head on and off for weeks now:

I’m happier not knowing.

At first I was concerned.  Is that OK?  I’ve never been one to bury my head in the sand or shy away from hearing the hard truths.  And to be honest, I’ve always been a bit of a busybody.  But for some things, is willful ignorance a legitimate defense mechanism?  If you know the answer is going to do nothing but hurt you, is it better to just not ask the question?  I say yes.

If it is not information that I need to function; if it’s not something I have to act on; if it’s not essential to my life, then I say ignorance is bliss.  Some truths are undeniable, and will smack you in the face with their realness.  Those can’t be avoided.  But why go seeking out facts that are really none of your business and you know they are going to hurt?


 I’m happier not knowing.

Those four little words have become my mantra lately.  When I find myself wondering how the person who broke my heart is faring in his new relationship, I repeat them in my head:  I’m happier not knowing. 

What people really think of me?     I’m happier not knowing.

The gossipy highlights of the latest hookups?      I’m happier not knowing.

What the friendly ex-boyfriend is up to these days?      I’m happier not knowing.

The sordid details of an acquaintance’s failed relationship?      I’m happier not knowing.


It’s a versatile little phrase, and it’s saved me hours of heartache

Storyteller's Dilemma

Human beings are natural storytellers.  We've built our culture around the narrative structure:  somebody wants something, there is a problem getting it, but those obstacles can be overcome and a happy ending is inevitable.  It will be all right in the end, and if it's not all right, it's not the end.  Any kid who has ever watched a Disney movie knows the way of things.


And just like we all imagine ourselves in the shows of the main character, I think everyone also assumes they are the protagonist in the story they are living.  We frame the world around our struggles.  The complications we encounter are simply obstacles that we must overcome to reach our happy ending.

Of course, you have to figure out what the story is.  If you think you're living a romance -  You know: girl meets boy.  timing is all wrong.  complications arise.  hilarity ensues.  boy eventually figures out girl is the person for him.  cue the happily ever after - then you do things to keep the person in your life.  Spend time with them; you invest in the relationship.  You enjoy the slow building of a foundation that everlasting love will be built upon.  Every action is a step toward the happy ending, right?

But what happens if  you aren't the hero of that story?   What if YOU are the complication?  You're the obstacle that someone else has to overcome to achieve their own happy ending.

THAT is a humbling revelation.

It requires you to re-frame every event, every interaction, every decision.  Suddenly, the actions you took take on a different tone.  The motivations you acted with are suddenly cast in a different light.  If you aren't the hero, then you aren't striving for right.  If you're the villain, then all the things you were doing to try to achieve your own happy ending have caused damage, hurt people, obstructed the natural order of events.   All of a sudden, YOU are the bad guy.

So what do you do?

If you're slow, like me, it will take you are really really reallllllllly long time to figure this out.  But once you do, you have two jobs.  In the Romance, you have to play your part.  Like any good storybook villain, you have to surrender and allow yourself be vanquished by the protagonist.  You have to get out of the way so that the real hero can have their happily ever after.

And then, you go find YOUR story.

Maybe your story is an adventure.  Or a journey of self discovery.  Maybe it's a story of growth and change.  Maybe it's all those things - and more!  There could be a romance hiding in that narrative.  It's up to you to discover it.  What you cannot do is sit around telling and re-telling the other story.  Your part in that narrative is over.  You have to close the book and move on.  Take the lessons you've learned and apply them to new contexts.  Don't forget, but don't relive it either.

Then it's time to turn the page and start the new chapter.  Go find your story - and make it a good one!

My Intentional Speed Bump

I have discovered three magical words.  These three words have helped me avoid drama, kept me from wandering far off the course I've set for myself, and helped me to stay focused on what is really important to me.  This small phrase acts as a mental speed bump for me - slowing me down just long enough to be cautious.  It's a question I ask myself before I act. 

"To what end?"

This small phrase helps me to hone in on my motivations.  Answering this question and being completely honest with myself about the answer to the question has been transformative.

I'm involved in several online discussion groups.  Sometimes, there is very engaging and productive conversation.  Other times, there is sniping and squabbling.  Many times, I am tempted to wade into the fray and offer my $.02.  But before I go chiming in for the sake of having something to say, I ask myself. "To what end?"  What am I hoping to accomplish?  Do I want to be helpful?  Do I want to help solve a problem?  If the answer is positive, then I go for it.

However, just as often the answer less than positive.  Maybe I want to shut the person down.  Maybe I want to shame them for what I perceive to be a foolish comment.  Maybe I'm just having a shitty day and I'm looking for a place to aim my ire.  Asking myself "To what end?" keeps me from dumping my unhappiness on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sometimes, I am tempted to reach out to people from the past: old lovers or friends with whom I've lost touch.  It usually happens when things are not so peachy keen - and I'm longing for a happier time.  Asking myself "To what end?" focuses me on my motivation.  Sometimes, it's really because I'd like to catch with with an old friend.  But just as often, it's because my ego is bruised and needs a  little soothing.  Experience has taught me that the palliative effects of those interactions are short lived, and often end up causing damage.  So that small speed bump - "To what end?" helps me to avoid backpedaling.

I haven't always been honest with myself about why I do what I do.  That's a habit I'm trying to change.  It starts with three little words - and ends with a much kinder and more responsible version of me.  I've been getting a lot of use out of my little speed bump lately.  It's helped me to let go of some unhealthy relationships and to curb some unhelpful patterns of behavior.  It's helped me avoid getting dragged into the online wrangling that seems to suck up so much time and energy of others.  It's helped me stay focused on what is important - and what is really not.  Three little words that slow me down and help me to be more mindful of my intention.   That little speed bump keeps me on the path I want to be on - one of kindness and compassion and self-love.  So simple, but so powerful for me.  "To what end?"

In Defense of 2016

I know it's become fashionable to call 2016 The Worst Year Ever, and there were some pretty terrible things that happened this year.  We lost some beloved icons, democracy - especially here in North Carolina - was struck a crippling blow, and for a while there it felt like the world had turned upside down.  It seemed like there was more than our fair share of setbacks, losses, and disappointments.  But rather than think of this year as a stinker, I prefer to think about this as an opportunity for us to practice our  resilience.  We have taken some hits, yes.  But those hits were opportunities to learn and grow.  And 2016 brought me several gifts.

2016 was a big year for learning.  The events of this year challenged my assumptions about the world and my place in it.  They required me to take a long hard look at the space - both public and personal - I occupy and what exactly I do in that space.  These events shook me up and threw me off balance for a little while, but I've found that on the other side of them I am more stable and sure-footed than I was before.  I'm also more aware and attuned to the decisions that I make and the ripple effect of those decisions. I learned to take nothing for granted, and as a result of that, I think I've gained a deeper appreciation for what I do have.

2016 was a year of accomplishment and opportunity.  I took the next step to further my career, and in the process have found myself in a program that presents a chance for growth greater than I had imagined.  The Boy and The Girl both pushed themselves to new heights.  The Boy with the completion of his Bar Mitzvah studies, and The Girl with learning to embrace who she is and how she is.  All three of us are ending the year better than we were when we began it.

2016 was a year of connection.  We've grown beyond our little family of three. We established what the kiddos call our "Framily" - a network of deep friendships with other families who have become like family to us.  Through those connections, my children have learned how to navigate relationships and conflict and celebrations.  And boy did they have fun!

The challenges of 2016 gave me many teaching opportunities for my children.  They have learned how important it is to cast your vote in elections.  They've learned how essential it is to stand up for those who have less power than you and to make your voice heard.  They have also learned how to listen to those who have differing opinions than you - with respect and compassion and (hopefully) with an open mind.  It wasn't an easy year, but what year is?  And yes, there were some things that happened that are going to have long-lasting effects, the extent of which remain to be seen.  But it wasn't the worst.  And honestly, I wouldn't trade any of the bad stuff for the experiences we had.

Still. It's fun to look to the promise of a new year.  2017 will hold surprises and heartbreak, joy and challenges.  We will have learning experiences and opportunities for growth.  But then again, isn't that kind of the point?

Happy New Year, y'all!

Everybody Wins

This time of year, it's hard to to play the comparison game.  Everyone in the world is sharing their joys, their accomplishments, all the good things that have happened to them in the past year.  There are tons of photos: the smiling faces, happy families and blissful couples just beaming with love.  The song says it's the most wonderful time of the year.  And in a sense, it is.

But can be hard too, especially when things in your life aren't exactly settled in the way you'd like them to be.  If your job just isn't as fulfilling as you'd like - your home is a bit more shabby than chic - your kids are a bit more out of sorts than you'd wish them to be.  If you're without a partner or a promotion or financial security, it can be really hard to look at all that celebration and not feel at least a little sour.

That's part of being a human being.  As social animals, it's natural to observe what someone else has and maybe to want it for ourself.  We aren't bad for experiencing envy.   A little envy can be a catalyst to encourage us to examine our own lives and choices.  It can spur us to be more proactive or shake us out of our comfort zone.  It doesn't have to be bad.

And in fact, seeing others achieve can be downright wonderful.

When you have your head right, someone else's happiness doesn't have to diminish your own.  In fact, it can multiply it.  When your heart is full of love for yourself, other people finding love is a source of joy.  If you have an attitude of abundance, then someone else getting something good doesn't mean that there is less for you.  Happiness, it turns out, is not a zero sum game.  Quite the opposite.

Not So Proud to Be From NC Today

Dear NC General Assembly Member,

You should be ashamed of yourselves.   As a lifetime resident of North Carolina, I can honestly say that this is the most embarrassed I have been to admit this is my home.

You are elected to be the voice of the people of North Carolina.  Your job is to speak for us all.  Not just for yourself.  This attempt to sneak in legislation under the table, to "revise" the election process, and strip one particular Governor of power is just... sad.   

Here's a thought:  How about instead of warping the structure of our state government to suit your own needs, you actually try working with your political rivals?  How about instead of trying to suppress the voice of the people, you listen, consider what they have to say, and then come to a COMPROMISE?  How about putting what's best for our state above your own personal desire for power?

You all in Raleigh have pulled some pretty despicable stunts in the last few years, but this... This is really a new low for you.  

I cannot wait for the next election with new electoral maps.  When you are back to being an ordinary citizen, you can see how it feels to have your will and your voice completely negated.  It's infuriating.  While I don't wish you personal ill, I vehemently wish that you lose your job to someone who is willing to do the hard work of governance.  

I'm disappointed in all of you - regardless of party.

rfk

A Mentor or Teacher Who Invested In My Development

I have been blessed to learn under some truly talented individuals.  I've had leaders and peers who have pushed me beyond my limits - and who insisted I always bring my "A" Game.  But when I think about a mentor who had a huge impact on me both professionally and personally, it would have to be my student teaching cooperating teacher, Jessica Sziksai.

I ended up in Jessica's classroom at A.C. Reynolds High School by the hand of God.  Seriously!  She was the teacher I needed right when I needed her.  I was a senior at UNC Asheville, ready to take the teaching world by storm.  I was full of ideas and inspiration, but I had no clue how the world (or schools) really worked.  Jessica taught me how to "do school": how to manage the paper load while still giving students meaningful feedback, how to be kind and firm with students who pushed the limits, how to function on a larger faculty.

But more than that, Jessica taught me the importance of being present in your life.  She impressed upon me the importance of telling people how much they mean to you, of being thankful for small blessings that happen, of recognizing grace when you encounter it.  She taught me how to be a peaceful person - and while I'm still cultivating those lessons nearly 20 years later, she planted the seeds.

I will always be grateful to Jessica for investing in me at that pivotal time in my life.  She made me, not only the teacher, but the person I am today.